Can it get ANY better??

May 10 @ the subway

I'm on the subway on my way to the cemetery where Mr. Mozart and Mr. Bethoveen live. Blaaaah! I'm kind of tired, might be because I slept two hours only AGAIN. I went out till 7am but it was completely worth it, obviously... Allow me to rewind a bit. After the inspiring visit to the MOMUK, I was on my way to feed myself when I hearda familiar beat playing loudly near by. It is my nature to be attracted to Electrohouse, so I let my ear guide me through the streets of Vienna until the sound became louder and louder, just around the corner. I turned that corner, driven by curiosity and excitement and I see, a hundred meters away, what appears to be a caravan of colorful trucks, the ones used for parades with big speakers and people dancing on them. I got closer, looked at the crowd and found my kind of people dancing to the beat. A street party! Yes! How fantastic! Dreadlocks, Hindu skirts, tattoos, sunglasses and beer cans. Some few tourists –you can always identify them amongst the crowd, wearing their cameras as necklaces. Police surrounding the area, to keep the crowd in one specific area. As I get inside the "party zone" I see signs everywhere "Legalize it" Wait, is it April 20? What's going on here? My pocket camera was on my hand, asking to be used, so I filmed a bit. Twenty minutes earlier I decided to put away my Canon cause it was demanding too much attention. But hell, this was truly deserving of it. On one of the trucks I see people smoking from a giant, collective joint. The thing was huge. Maybe 60cm long by 5cm in diameter, approximately. I’m not sure. Keep in mind I arrived when the party was almost over, so I have no idea what its original dimensions could have been. Yes, I took some amazing pictures, put the camera away and became part of it all. I danced till the trucks honked goodbye.

May 11 @ some Platz - noon

So as not to confuse the reader, I will clarify that I had to get off the subway, so I couldn’t really finish my last entry. I’m currently sitting at a nice bench, in the botanical gardens and was hoping to have some quiet time and catch up with my writing. However, two women just sat down next to me and they DO NOT stop talking!! "shazenjazen shitzee warten guten abend suban empujen estrujen bajen... bla bla blaaa"* I guess I will continue walking, I only have 4 more hours left before going to the airport. So maybe I could have some nice lunch, somewhere around Stephenplatz and hopefully write some more.*this is what German sounds like to me.

Around 4pm

Now I’m at a park next to the Opera. Lots of "bohemios" which means I’m once again amongst my kind. I recognize some faces from the "Hemp Parade". Nah, seriously... this is the same crowd. Now let me write about the thought-driven occurrence of the day. The interesting thing is that a week or so ago, I thought of the butterfly house my grandmother used to take my cousins and I on a regular basis. I loved that place! I was always fascinated by their beauty and now that I'm older, by the metaphoric state of being of the "Schmetterling" -I have to use my German, right?- So a week ago, I kind of wished I could go once again to this place and well... if you know me a bit by now, you can imagine what has happened. Yes, during my last hours in Vienna, walking around without a specific direction, I found this park, walked through it and on the other side I see a big sign that reads: Schmetterlinghaus. I went in, happy as a child, full of excitement and joy as my wish was being granted. I could have definitely stayed in there the whole afternoon. Butterflies, so many of them. Making the most beautiful dances on mid air with each other. They truly fill me with joy and I can't help but smiling each time I see butterflies...I can't really write properly right now, there's too much going on around me at the moment. But there is one thought I do need to put down NOW, before it goes away or changes into something else... I feel energized. This trip was exactly what I needed. I feel that some of my life objectives, if not THE life objective, are clearer now. I think I've figured it out... It's not discipline that I lack; it's not even the fact that I'm too inconsistent and I get bored quite easily. What I need to set straight is my sense of priority. No, that's not even the right word. It's how I use my energy; where and how I focus it. How I use my time, what do I focus my mind on. I begin to understand that what occupies my mind constantly can no longer be. I'd be a fool if having realized what I did this weekend, I throw it all away when I get back to Stuttgart. This is what I propose myself to do: LESS PARTY, LESS ROMANTICISM AND MORE USE OF MY TALENT. Hold on a minute. Don't I have talent for parties and flirting? Well, maybe tone it down a bit. Some is good, too much can be addictive. And I think it's time for me to do rehab.

To create... To live of NOW... To imagine a future, but without expectations... To be... pure... as light... To be me, even when it feels terribly wrong... Just be... Just breathe...

My inspiration

May 9 @ Italian Restaurant, Vienna

Today I spent six hours at two different museums. Two hours at the Kunsthalle, where the name of the exhibit definitely caught my attention. "Porn Identity" -porn as an art (?) concept or something approximate. To be looking at porn, of all sorts, at an art gallery, was quite an experience. I always thought this is something you watch alone or with your partner to get "in the mood". But to watch anal sex on a big screen, or videos from a hidden camera in a public toilet, where guys go to fuck each other... well, I'm not sure about it. It was definitely interesting. But I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable if a man was around, watching the same installation than me.

*I found an interesting article about this exhibition, you can read it at: http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-fg-vienna-porn25-2009mar25,1,4208246.story.*

The one piece I found quite original and inspiring was an installation titled "Dolores" (por Katrina Daschner) The space is divided into rooms, not by walls but by markings on the floor, simulation an architectonic plan. It took me some time to figure this out and to understand that you are supposed to enter the rooms in order, to understand the story. The interesting thing about this, is that it was an experiential installation, as you could break the narrative and enter whichever room you please. Floor Plan as follows:

Room #1:
Introduction of characters. Three television sets, with headphones. Each TV shows the three women involved in the story: Dolores, a 17 year old girl who had lost her father in a car accident at age 4 and who is dating the woman in TV #2. She's a 40 something year old artist "with beautiful breasts" -as Dolores describes her. TV#3 depicts Dolores mom, getting dressed and getting ready to leave the house. All three intros are narrated by Dolores and each loop begins exactly when the previous one ends, which means you can transition from one TV to the other with the sense of continuity.

Room #2:
A series of photos of the mother, as she goes out to the street and gets hit by a car.

Room #3:
Dolores and her girlfriend on a car. You see the internal dialogue of each character as a subtitle. Music is being played but the characters remain silent. The subtitles are coloured differently for each woman. The music -in Spanish- is quite touching.

Room #4:
Two photographs. A set of headphones for each of them. You hear a version from each character about what happened after the car ride.

Room #5:
A dialogue between Dolores girlfriend and her husband is written on the floor, inside the room plan.

Room #6:
Facing each other, two TV sets. One portrays Dolores being intimate with another woman. The other, installed on a door, portrays her girlfriend's head looking at them with her eyes tearing up.
*http://www.katrinadaschner.net/www/index.html*

I really liked this work and it gave me some ideas for my Thesis. But I have too many ideas now... however, it could be regarded as future work. Everything I've seen so far, has stayed with me one way or the other...

After two hours at the Porn exhibit, feeling a bit too horny, I made my way to MUMOK -the Museum of Modern Art. In the first floor there was a full exhibit of Nam June Paik, whom I've been studying for the last three years. That was extraordinary, of course... but the best was yet to come...

Maria Lassnig, born in Austria in 1919. She reminded me of my grandmother and myself. Yes, it sounds as strange as it is to explain it. But I did feel deeply identified with this amazing woman. Her works touched me deeply, specially her animated autobiographies. Painting one frame at a time, she made a series of animations which were installed at the museum. "Kantate" and "Self-portrait" were direct references to her life and thoughts and it felt so good to know that my feelings are thoughts were shared with an artist of this caliber. I left the museum feeling that I indeed was on the right path, even when compared to the rest of the world, feels so wrong at times. I am convinced now, more than ever, that I am an ARTIST, even when the word alone seems to be so heavy when pronounced. But it's true. I understand why I think the way I do, why I seem to always be swimming upstream like the salmon, only to get to the other side and die. Then I'm reborn in all the eggs laid along my path. It's the never ending cycle of life. As an artist I'm constantly recycling what I see, hear or feel, by making those into art. I'm not good at relationships, cause that would take time off my work, cause artists need to be very generous and extremely selfish. I still need to learn how to be selfish... but it's a good thing... I'm slowly learning to truly take care of my needs first. Her painting above PERFECTLY describes what I'm saying. It's called "Dich oder Mich" -You or Me-

I am an artist, even when it hurts so much... and I thank my grandmother for this gift. I thought of her so much while at the museum, both because Lassnig is now an elder woman (still painting) and because I made my very first painting next to her and under her kind "instructions". She also took me to more museums and art galleries than no one ever did. I admire and respect my grandmother Clara -her name actually means "clear" or "light" as "someone being..."- in a way that is inspiring on it's own. I just wish I had her here to visit museums with her. GRACIAS ABUE POR HACERME QUIEN SOY, UNA VERDADERA ARTISTA... AUNQUE EL MUNDO ENTERO NO LO ENTIENDA, VOS Y TODOS LOS ARTISTAS EN EL MUNDO COMPARTEN MI SENTIR. QUE HARIA SIN EL ARTE? As Picasso said "Art is the lie that make us realize the Truth..."

Relationships, material goods and dedicating my life to taking care of a house and raising a family doesn't seem to have any appeal on my life. I always wondered why, but now I know for sure. Even when it gets lonely, I know there's a bigger purpose, or better said, a different purpose for me than these. Making art, expressing what many feel but ONLY a few can tell. "Loving all mankind, even when they let me down" -as Lassnig would say. Forgetting yourself and expressing life beyond your body through a painting, a photograph or an animated drawing...

So I give up relationships. I do. Now sex, that I can't give up. It makes me feel good. Something opens inside me and the release of energy changes each time. It's like a ritual. No, I won't give up sex but I do wonder how much time and energy, and the gift I have, I waste thinking about sex and men. The things I could do if I dedicated the same amount of time I do thinking "insignificant" things, or obsessing over trivialities, to creating. The day I'm able to put these words into actions, that day I would have taken the biggest step.

Something called me here. It was necessary for me to come to Europe, to Germany, to detach from my mother, to suffer because of doing so, to need to escape, to come to Vienna, to see a poster of "Dich oder Mich" on a street lamp, take a picture of it to remember, to find the museum, see Lassnig's exhibition, to realize who I am, more than ever before. Life is a constant chain reaction, cause and effect. You turn a corner and all of a sudden you are facing your destiny. But how did you get to that corner?

So thank you mom... for driving me crazy. If it wasn't because of you, I would have not gone to Vienna at the right time. Well, it's always the right time... I forgive you...

Oh Vienna

May 8 @ Schönbrunner, Vienna

Once again I have hopped on a plane to escape my thoughts. I find travelling one of the best forms of meditation there are. I'm now sitting on a bench, looking at the Royal Gardens and imagining what life here would have been like...

It hasn't been more than 8 hours in this city and already I have some interesting stuff to write about. I haven't slept much. Well, actually I've slept for 2 hours last night, cause I went to see my friends' band and I ended up singing with them till 1am. I got up at 4am to catch my flight at 6am and I have been walking since 8 in the morning. It's now 4 in the afternoon...

When I arrived at the airport, my instinct put me on a bus to Westbahnhof which was only two blocks away from my Hostel. BEAUTIFUL!! (both the hostel and my instinct as travelling guide) I left my bags and went for breakfast at a small but cute little Cafe, Vienna style. After enjoying my coffee, I walked following the wind. I walked straight, turned corners. I stopped, looked around, took photographs and continued walking until I found a park and a guy playing guitar. I got close to him and took pictures, only to discover that he was pretty cute. And well, those who know my nature can guess what happened next. Yes, conversation. I find it irresistible to talk to cute guys, specially if there's a guitar under their arms and they are singing beautifully. So we talked. He's name was Daniel. "I'm a composer and play the piano. I'm learning now how to play guitar" -he said- "Sing one of your songs" -I asked. He sang for me and I listened. We talked some more and then asked me if I didn't mind if he smoked his joint, which was sitting next to me waiting patiently on the bench. He offered me a cigarette and we chatted for a while, like old time friends. Then he offered me a toke and told me some more about his interesting life. Also a traveller... No wonder... I always feel very comfortable around artists and world wanderers - as if an invisible bond joining us together is waiting to be revealed- and this guy was BOTH.

Forty minutes later he stood up, looked at me carefully and quietly said he needed to get going, as he had his guitar lesson. We looked at each other, almost examining the inside of our eyes; silently thanking each other for the moment just shared. Those were some awkwardly nice couple of minutes. "Now what?" I thought. "Now nothing" I said to myself. Let the moment go when it has to. Stop trying to save them or make them longer. It never works. "See you around" I said. I could have asked for his number, I could have told him to meet somewhere later. I could have extended the moment in many ways if I wanted to, and I kind of did. But it wasn't what I needed, so I didn't... I'm learning and it felt good to let go. No future plans, no expectations. Just the moment... "It was a pleasure to meet you"-he said. He gave me his joint as a gift and I gave him a small baggy I brought from Amsterdam, as a souvenir. He then turned around and walked away. He looked back once and waved. I smiled and continued walking feeling a bit fuller... a bit happier and very grateful for the existence of such people.

I walked straight for half an hour until my stomach made me stop in front of a food stand at the entrance of the park where I now am. I had lunch soaking in sunlight and felt like I was in a dream as I entered Schönbrunner. I find no proper words to describe this place. The park, the palace and it's gardens are something I've never seen before except in movies. So much green... colourful flowers... birds... trees... I could spend days here. I also went to one of those labyrinths made of tall bushes, perfectly pruned. I can picture those Epoque women running around, laughing... I don't know, I'm thinking of Amadeus (the film) Well, after all I am in Vienna, right? Oops, interruption. I'll be back later...

I am Alive

May 1st

Today is a beautiful day AGAIN. Thank you God, thank you Universe, thank you Holly Spirit and Mother Earth. Thank you, cause since Monday it has been quite shitty... quite dark and cold... quite LONESOME. But today is truly beautiful. The sun is shinning, the grass seems greener... I feel alive again. I've been almost dead inside, these entire week. I went to a scary place. A place I haven't been in 5 months. Today I'm back. Today I celebrate life. I celebrate that I am indeed alive, that I can breathe, that I am free. I celebrate my friends, my acquaintances and even those who don't like me that much, cause they push me to be a better person. I celebrate love in all its shapes and sizes; in all its forms and expressions. I celebrate people and I celebrate children in particular, because of their joy, their purity, their free-spirit. Whenever I feel down, it is always a kid's smile that reminds me how beautiful life is when contemplation exists only from the eyes of innocence...

The cycle of life,
smiling at me...
Baby cries,
I cry...
And the tears nourish the soil in which I stand.
My feet are wet,
but I can feel them.
My soul is full
and I can feel it too.
Your hands are cold...
let me warm them,
let me hold them,
cause you are too beautiful to be cold.
I love it when you laugh,
cause you are full of life;
even when you seem lost.
Bicycles, trees and apple juice.
Run, walk, stand still.
I just want to see you smile again.
Flowers, birds and butterflies.
Look at the distance between us,
is there any?
Red shoes and salty cheeks,
come with me,
I will show you what is like
to live in between rainbows...