Wait until tomorrow goes away

I know... I know... It's been so long since my last entry... But come on!! so much has been happening... is quite hard to keep up with EVERYTHING I need, want or have to do. However, I do have a lot of writings that have not yet been transcribed, therefore even when it may seem that I haven't actually sat down and write in 3 months, that is definetely not the case. With my return to Toronto, and everything that Toronto entails, I haven't made the time to seat down and type what I've written on my book. I will do that soon. It's a promise to myself...

In the meantime, there's something I really want to put down TODAY. It's the lyrics of a song by Delta Spirit, and it's very much what's going on with me at this very moment. It goes like this:

Every time I see you

it gets a little worse
Perhaps things are getting better,
but how can one be so sure?
So I will take it slowly
so that I can rest assure
Wait until tomorrow goes away.

In the evening when I wake up

I would love to hear you say,
Ooooh, oooh, oooooh
Wait until tomorrow goes away.
Oh, wait until tomorrow goes away.
Wait until tomorrow goes away.

What does this mean?

I think that it refers to letting go of the notion of tomorrow. Cause when you let go of "tomorrow" you can live freely and fully TODAY...

Rain

Silence.
I search for you, but I can't find you.
I call for you in my dreams,
but there's no response.
There is just silence.
Thunder.
My heart is beating fast,
I feel like crying
but I'm dry inside.
Where are you?
Why did you leave?
Have you forgotten your own words?
our words?
Did you let go of me?
I need to sleep,
I'm tired of thinking.
Thinking why,
thinking how,
thinking what for...
It rains inside,
as much as it's raining outside.
I wish you called...
I need to hear your voice,
if only for an instant.
I'm feeling lonely,
I need you to hold my hand,
tell me everything will be alright,
even when the world seems so fucked up.
Where are you?
Why have you left?
When did we forget the love we promised each other?
I'm feeling stupid.
I'm feeling sad.
Everything seems to have fallen off center.
I'm twisted,
overwhelmed.
I want to shut the world off,
and forget about everything for a couple of days,
or months... or however long it takes
for me to forget about you,
to let you go...
to set you free from my
sometimes
jailer heart.
Mischievous mind.
Selfish ego.
Both play tricks on me,
the same way the play with you...
Don't believe in what I say,
believe in what I do.
Look into my eyes,
see beyond.
Can you see me?
The real me...
Sometimes I become confused.
Things get distorted.
My own reality becomes obscure,
and I feel so tiny,
so small...
I can't ask you to save me.
I can't really ask you to be there, either.
"Sooner or later is over"
and
"nothing lasts forever"
The rain is coming down fiercely,
but it suits my mood.
Be the sunshine that comes after,
please be there when this rain stops.
Please...

I understand the metaphor... I really do. When I was coming out of lunch, the sun was shinning... what a beautiful day IT WAS an hour ago. Media night is over... presentation is over... the semester is over... "Let's go seat on the grass and have some beers" Joonas said. Awesome! "I'll go print some stuff and meet you guys in half an hour, behind my building" I said. So I went...
I get to school, get my files ready to print, look for my card to print them... first obstacle: my card is not where it should be. Where is it? Fuck, I took it out my purse this morning, to print our presentation and in the midst of the "last minute preparations" I must have left it behind. Fuck. I'm annoyed, I really don't need this right now... I'm about to leave the computer room, when I see a guy looking at something on the table. Hey! My card! Good timing, I wouldn't have noticed it otherwise. First obstacle sorted.

I now go to the printer, put my card in, select the files to be printed... second obstacle: the printer is not printing. Fuck, fuck. Okey, going to a different printer now. I go downstairs, find the printer but the screen says something in German I do not comprehend. I go inside the library and ask for help. A very nice girl comes to my rescue but after several attempts she finally says "Sorry, I don't know why it's not working" Fuck! Okey, I will find someone with a printer. As I'm leaving the school, I walk by one of the student's building and somebody yells from a window "Che boluda!" It's Roi, he's at Laura's. I briefly explain my situation and Laura smiles at me and says "come upstairs, I have a printer" Second obstacle sorted.

As I leave her house, eager to seat on the grass, enjoy my beer and the sunshine, I see a monstrous black cloud approaching... I rush to the meeting spot and I see nobody. I have no phone, so it's quite impossible to get hold of someone by this mean. I walk to Joonas house and ring his bell. No answer. I walk to Yeray's house and ring his bell. No answer. I walk to Ana's house, ring her bell. No answer. I walked by Aldo's window, the curtains are closed. He's sleeping. Aghhh! Fine, I will come home and be in a bad mood for a while...

As soon as I get in, the sky starts crying before I do. I lay down on my bed, feel the tears accumulated from the stress of this past week trying hard to come out, but they don't. It starts raining harder. I seat on my desk and watch the thunderstorm. It's beautiful... I start writing the poem you just read... it's flowing with the rain... it's as blurry as my window... I end it with the following:

"The rain is coming down fiercely,
but it suits my mood.
Be the sunshine that comes after,
please be there when this rain stops.
Please?"

And then I think... Do I really need someone to be my sunshine? If I can't find my own sunshine how is anyone supposed to find it and be it for me? What am I really asking for? Suddenly the rain felt good... and now that I have written my thoughts, let them out and transformed them into a poem... now that the tears have come out in word-form and not in tears, I feel a bit better... There may not be sunshine, but I swear to God it just stopped raining...

And the most incredible things of all is that every single time I feel like this, I'm going on a trip right on the following day... Tomorrow: Paris!

Feel the Love

June 13 @ Sharm El Sheikh

Okey, I have not yet finished writing my last entry but I have to write about last night...

June 15 @ the airport - back to Stutti

As you can see from the last two entries, I never actually sat down to write. The truth is that I couldn't, and still can't, find the proper words to describe my time here. I'm now at the airport waiting for the boarding call back to Stuttgart and I'm still processing everything lived in the past six days. How to describe the generosity and respect I have been offered by all of Meda's friends? I'm on a state of trance... of ecstasy... split between Heaven and Earth. I'm fascinated by the beauty of these guys and the magic of this place. I'm being objective here. I intend to write facts, not feelings, cause if I were to even try to transcribe my feelings into words, I would probably end up with an incomprehensible display of disarranged letters. My heart is beating fast and I'm split between trying to control these heavy emotions and spilling my heart out into tears, to cry this harsh farewell Egypt...

At this very moment I realize that I can chose to think two ways. For one, I could melt away in deep emotions, feeling all the love I received from these amazing people. I feel that I could cry forever, as once again I met someone with whom, in no time, I shared everything that can be shared with another person. Someone with whom I connected deeply from the second we met. This someone loved me silently and held my hand on the back seat of the car, when no one was watching, before we even shared a kiss. Someone who was willing to take his mask off to kiss me passionately, 10m underwater... my first one. He took care of me when I got sick like only my grandmother does, by putting compresses on my forehead and holding my hand... till I fell asleep. This someone gave me his soul with each kiss and opened his heart to me from the moment he said to me his first "hello".

And here is where I'm disjointed... I could go on and on describing how amazing this guy was to me and to his friends. I could write for hours defining each gesture, each given smile, each act of generosity or beautiful madness... but by doing this, I can feel my heart beating faster with sadness. And because I have experienced this in the past, once in Cuba and once in the Yukon, I know how terribly wrong it feels to say goodbye, how heart-breaking a farewell between two lovers can be... But because I know, I can try to consciously choose not to feel the heartache, cause I've learnt to be lighter... I CAN TRY... to treasure inside my heart the moments lived together, letting go of the "feeling"; cause the feeling becomes heavier and heavier the more one thinks about it.

To be completely honest with myself, part of me wants to dwell in the feeling. The old habit is kicking in... I feel like a recovered addict being tempted by the same poisonous but beautiful drug that made him so high and so miserable in the past. I think that being "depressed" or "unhappy" gives most people -me including- some sort of incomprehensible high; the lowest of the highs... This is why we get so hooked up to the heavy feelings. If you think carefully, you'd realize that being "happy" or feeling fulfilled, is not that difficult. Actually, I believe it can be easily achieved. And if you consider the possibilities, you can't help but wonder why most of us always seem to be so negative... so heavy... so attached to moments, people, possessions, relationships... when the truth is that these things are nothing but ephemeral, temporary, transitory. Hey people, think about it and save yourself the heartache...

But you might wonder... will I miss him? YES, I will... of course. Will he miss me? I'm pretty sure he will. But HOW we miss each other is what will make all the difference. I'm smiling... "My heart is smiling, Agata" he said. That's all, that's what matters. Not that it might be over. Not the expectations of seeing each other again. Not how terribly cruel it is to have to say good-bye under the circumstances that we did. All that matters is that we existed. That we were one for a while. We enjoyed every single moment spent together. We rejoiced in each other as if there was no tomorrow -cause there really wasn't. And the truth is that we will love each other openly and fearlessly for as long as we can. If the love is eventually gone, we will always have the memories... THIS IS ALL THAT MATTERS...

So why be sad? Really... sad about what? what for? I do feel the tears and the pain surfacing, but it doesn't appeal to me... I've recovered from a long term addiction and it feels beautiful. I'm free! I feel free and more ALIVE than ever!! I honestly can choose to not feel miserable. Instead, I choose to be happy that it happened... I'm thankful to have lived the time of my life, surrounded by warmth-hearted people, who showed me nothing but generosity, endless affection and an amazing sense of humour...

The plane is about to take off now... I'm leaving this magnificent place and a bit of my heart is staying here... I might have to come back soon and pick it up... For now, Shokran!! Egypt... See you soon...

Singing a Love song

Almost simultaneously...

From him to me:

Here I am
Starting over
Once again
I lost my place
The edges frayed
The story ended
And its still so hard to face

I wanna cry on your shoulder
But I'll smile and try to find my way

Seasons come and go
Nothing lasts forever
We're all on borrowed time
And love's not set in stone
But life is now or never
You and I can make the world our own

So here we are
Pushing forward
Pulled apart
And turned around
The ties untied
The world wide open
The ever-after here and now

I wanna cry on your shoulder
But I'll smile
I know I'll be okay

Seasons come and go
Nothing lasts forever
We're all on borrowed time
And love's not set in stone
But life is now or never
You and I can make the world our own

Now is our time to shine
Now is our time to stand up tall
We can have it all
All the stars realigned
Every ending turned around
Cuz it's our time
Starting now

(Now or Never - DJ Shah)

From me to him:

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

(Iris - Goo Goo Dolls)