September 10, 2010

A letter to Ryerson University

Dear Ryerson;

After five years attending your institution, today you finally pissed me off. To begin with, you are charging me late fees even though I depend on OSAP to pay for my classes and AGAIN this year they messed up my application. The fact that I do not receive my loan in time shouldn't grant you permission to charge me an extra amount of money for "lateness". I feel as if you have been reaching into my pocket every time you had a chance, even though I am already broke. Secondly your bookstore charged me $70 for a compilation of 180 photocopies (with cardboard front and back covers) which in my opinion is "a little bit" pricey. And can you explain to me why did you feel the need to have a Police officer guarding the entrance? Don't you think is a bit too much? A security guard would have been just fine, and maybe less intimidating... And how about your Work-Study acceptance policy?
Our office has reviewed your application; unfortunately, we are unable to process your application, as you did not meet the academic eligibility requirements for Work Study consideration.

From the information available, you are not a full-time student and have not registered for 60% of your course load for the entire Academic year of 2010-2011. Students must be a full-time student (with a minimum 60% course load) for the entire school year. Your winter units = 2 and you do not meet the program fee threshold of $4912.

Fine. Now I'm being forced to take three extra courses so that I can get the job. I have a job offer as a Research Assistant, the professor is just waiting for my Work-Study application approval. I have a total OSAP debt of over $40,000, not only I want this job because is related to my career, I also NEED it. However, my tuition is not as high as $4912 this year because I only need three credits to graduate. Why do I feel that I'm constantly being punished for not having enough money? If I get a scholarship, you lower my loan. If I don't spend a certain amount of money, I can't get a job that could highly benefit me. You seem to be pushing me to be a mediocre student with no passion or desire to push my own limitations. Why? Because you keep forcing me to do jobs that give me nothing but some bills to make the rent payment. What about my dreams then? My need to do something for the community, to aim high, to push myself? Why are you not stimulating this? All I get is the cold shoulder and extra paper work. Even my 4.0 GPA doesn't seem to be enough to get some funding... for A or for B I never seem to be eligible for most scholarships.

Not all of it is bad though, there are people who work at your institution that have been a great motivator for me to keep insisting, keep fighting, keep resisting against the pile of shit you keep throwing at me. But why are you making it so hard? Education is a right, not a business. And you should be able to recognize the hard working individuals who attend your institution, that are actually passionate about something and not just plain brain dead, following the rest. Maybe you feel threaten by this kind of "rebel-like" behavior. Maybe you don't want thinkers and doers to come out of your institution, but workers, people who will fit perfectly well in the hamster wheel that the few in charge have been building since the peak of capitalism.

I am going to challenge this. I will shout loud and clear that this is not what education is meant to be. This is not how an educational institution is supposed to behave. Education should break molds, create freedom of mind, push in many directions, expand, embrace, stimulate a broader understanding of the perplexity of humanity. Education should build, not destroy. Should feed, not starve. I can assure you that many feel the way I do.
“Education is about the production of more democracy, production of peace, production of happiness whereas schooling is often the production of global economic competitiveness.” (Source: "More families are deciding that school’s out – forever" Globe and Mail, Sept. 10 2010)
I have realized today that my only stress in life is money. When I think about my debt and the future I'd like for myself and my children, when I have them, I find no room for dreams. I keep transitioning from a state of "Fuck it, it's just money anyways" to "how the hell am I going to pay my debt??" I have dreams... many... I want to give to my community, I want to make the charitable organization I just started grow, I want to go to Teacher's College, I want to travel lots, keep learning, keep teaching, keep growing... but how do I do all of these with the ghost of a poor financial "reality" pondering around my neck?

It's not all about money making, you know Ryerson? You should take a closer look to those who are struggling to be better individuals, to create a better community and are hoping to contribute to a better world... these are the ones you should be rewarding... rolling out red carpets for... I hope one day this changes; maybe one day you'll get it...

I thank you though for some wonderful teachers you have... those are the ones who are making it well worth it for me.

I wish you the best.

Sincerely,

Agata Ivanna Pogorelsky

August 14, 2010

A prayer...

God, grant us the...

Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

July 6, 2010

Yesterday is tomorrow... tomorrow is already gone...

It is hard to believe that two months have passed since I wrote the following:

"And now it hits me… finally. An overwhelming feeling of immediacy, the feeling that I have indeed very little time from now till my departure to Kenya (or lots, depending from which angle you look at it)

A mixture of anxiety, excitement, adrenaline, impatience, lot’s of “to do”s, anticipation, joy and a belly full of butterflies. This is how I’m feeling right now, this is how I woke up. The calmness I felt yesterday having spent the whole day on my own, has suddenly transformed into an emotional turmoil.

As I write my shopping list for tomorrow, I envision moments in Kenya that I can’t even imagine. I’m planning things like not shaving or wearing deodorant or not giving a fuck about my hair. Once I land, I want to stop “worrying” about these insignificant things that have been branded in me by society. I want to solely focus on all the reasons why I’m embarking in this adventure; some of these I know, some I will discover there. I understand that it may be gross and the men in my group may not appreciate it, but here and now I want to try what it would be like to not care. For some reason I feel that once I land in Africa I will be able to free myself from all the taboos society has imposed on me.

I look at my packing list and it pretty much sounds like for the next month, I will be living in the jungle or something like it. I really hope so. Mosquito net, sleeping bag, duct tape, headlamps, carabineers and lots and lots of bug repellent. It’s so freaking exciting! I can’t wait to detach myself from the city, break free from society and let go of its rigid structure. I’m so excited to get a chance to live the simple life, working together with a group of people that has been nothing but amazing from day one.

My heart is beating so fast now, I think is ready to abandon my chest and fly out the window. “I’ll catch you in Kenya” it says. The anticipation is just amazing. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Four days and so so much to do. From watching films at the Hot Docs, to meeting for coffee with one of the directors I met yesterday, to visiting a kindergarten school and spending the afternoon with my friend’s mom and her students -learning what is most likely to be my side-career. I need to buy socks, camping gear, clothes and equipment tomorrow, party tonight, drum circle after our last meeting, hanging out with friends, etc. etc. etc. But the more I think of what I need to do, the more anxious I get. Oh well, let’s just keep moving then. Doing rather than thinking is what always calms me down…

I want to thank my team for being so amazing, for making this happen, for believing, for sacrificing, for achieving the unthinkable, for thinking the unthinkable, for the amazing energy that has been flowing in each meeting, even when the level of tiredness was up to the roof. It has been great and we haven’t even left… Yaaaaaaaay! See you all tomorrow.

Thank You Dancing Dani // Thank You Adventurous Andrew // Thank You Rocking Robin // Thank You Dreamy Darya // Thank You Super Steven // Thank You Magical Majalyn // Thank You Acrobatic Ahmad // Thank You Funny Filipe // Thank You Eager Emma // Thank You Joking Jeffrey // Thank You Magnificent Miranda // Thank You Interesting Isaac // Thank You Corageous Caroline

And of course… amazing Agata! HAKUNA MATATA!!!"

--------------------end-----------------------------

So where does time go? Does it really exist? I find myself reading something I wrote two months ago and it only seems like yesterday... and it only seems like a million years ago. So much has happened, so many experiences lived, laughter shared, tears cried and all I keep in my heart is the joy that accumulates daily for all the lovely people I have met on the way.

I did manage to go without shaving for the entire month, I didn't care about my hair or how I looked. I took every single moment in and pushed myself out of my comfort zone entirely, several times. It is hard to reproduce all I have learned, shared, felt and experienced but the one thing I can say right now is that I'm grateful for every single second lived. I look forward to the now because the one thing I have learned and keep confirming is that yesterday is tomorrow and tomorrow is already gone. All I have, all I am, is the present moment...

April 15, 2010

Simply extensions...

After last night's random and fascinating adventure, I went to sleep feeling satisfied with every single turn of events. It was obvious to me that by not getting what I wanted, I had gotten everything I needed...

As I was getting in bed, I re-read some of the things I wrote throughout the evening. I promised myself to be more consistent and decided to make the compromise of writing this blog a little (or a lot) every day, no matter what. So I start my day today doing exactly what I told myself to do.

Regarding last night, there is not much point for me to reproduce the events of the evening; the moments have passed and can not be retold as excitingly as they were while occurring. I could summarize some by saying that each time a moment ended (even when I tried several times to prolong it) a new moment arose by running into people or unexpectedly dropping by at my friend's house, who wasn't even at home. Retelling the exact story is not appealing to me at this point in time, it will only be my "mental masturbation" of remembering a fun evening, full of casual and intense encounters. But I will share with you some of the writing I did while IN the moment.

The first writing was at "Nirvana" when Eric and Mark decided I had ceased to exist -that was the joke. My poem is in Spanish and I will translate it later on. For now, these are the random bits and pieces of their conversation... I can never cease to exist if I chose to...

#1
Let it unravel,
he says.
A small world is not meant to be,
small world
don't put it together.
Music,
Fucking AWESOME!
For sure,
he said after his 4th beer.
But that for me is ideal.
The reality is
they are fucked...
Intense and blah blah.
they are fucked
For sure...
And I Love them both.

#2
Run, run, run and hide.
Stand still,
jump.
Let the connections find your shinning,
let them fly.
Run, run, run and hide.
Love, cry, connect and break me up.
Fly, crawl, walk and get me high...

#3
A song request (Robbie at piano)
Moments are gone
and moments always come back.
Little droplets of windows
go down the drain.
My eyes,
full of rain
are washing off my tears.
Storms,
Oh storms,
How I fear you!
Come back my child,
I will give you a piece of my soul
for you to find solace.
Suns, millions of them,
I have them all
inside my self.
A tiny box of memories
in which I sometimes hide.
A tiny box full of memoirs,
why do I save them?
Sometimes the rain
is not strong enough
to wash away the tears.
But the suns inside and all around,
are shinning through.
Oh my child,
I have forgiven you.
Oh my child,
would you forgive me?
Every single time
I collapsed,
drowned in illusion,
the one I now embrace.
The one reality I choose to live,
Illusion.