July 3, 2009


I search for you, but I can't find you.
I call for you in my dreams,
but there's no response.
There is just silence.
My heart is beating fast,
I feel like crying
but I'm dry inside.
Where are you?
Why did you leave?
Have you forgotten your own words?
our words?
Did you let go of me?
I need to sleep,
I'm tired of thinking.
Thinking why,
thinking how,
thinking what for...
It rains inside,
as much as it's raining outside.
I wish you called...
I need to hear your voice,
if only for an instant.
I'm feeling lonely,
I need you to hold my hand,
tell me everything will be alright,
even when the world seems so fucked up.
Where are you?
Why have you left?
When did we forget the love we promised each other?
I'm feeling stupid.
I'm feeling sad.
Everything seems to have fallen off center.
I'm twisted,
I want to shut the world off,
and forget about everything for a couple of days,
or months... or however long it takes
for me to forget about you,
to let you go...
to set you free from my
jailer heart.
Mischievous mind.
Selfish ego.
Both play tricks on me,
the same way the play with you...
Don't believe in what I say,
believe in what I do.
Look into my eyes,
see beyond.
Can you see me?
The real me...
Sometimes I become confused.
Things get distorted.
My own reality becomes obscure,
and I feel so tiny,
so small...
I can't ask you to save me.
I can't really ask you to be there, either.
"Sooner or later is over"
"nothing lasts forever"
The rain is coming down fiercely,
but it suits my mood.
Be the sunshine that comes after,
please be there when this rain stops.

I understand the metaphor... I really do. When I was coming out of lunch, the sun was shinning... what a beautiful day IT WAS an hour ago. Media night is over... presentation is over... the semester is over... "Let's go seat on the grass and have some beers" Joonas said. Awesome! "I'll go print some stuff and meet you guys in half an hour, behind my building" I said. So I went...
I get to school, get my files ready to print, look for my card to print them... first obstacle: my card is not where it should be. Where is it? Fuck, I took it out my purse this morning, to print our presentation and in the midst of the "last minute preparations" I must have left it behind. Fuck. I'm annoyed, I really don't need this right now... I'm about to leave the computer room, when I see a guy looking at something on the table. Hey! My card! Good timing, I wouldn't have noticed it otherwise. First obstacle sorted.

I now go to the printer, put my card in, select the files to be printed... second obstacle: the printer is not printing. Fuck, fuck. Okey, going to a different printer now. I go downstairs, find the printer but the screen says something in German I do not comprehend. I go inside the library and ask for help. A very nice girl comes to my rescue but after several attempts she finally says "Sorry, I don't know why it's not working" Fuck! Okey, I will find someone with a printer. As I'm leaving the school, I walk by one of the student's building and somebody yells from a window "Che boluda!" It's Roi, he's at Laura's. I briefly explain my situation and Laura smiles at me and says "come upstairs, I have a printer" Second obstacle sorted.

As I leave her house, eager to seat on the grass, enjoy my beer and the sunshine, I see a monstrous black cloud approaching... I rush to the meeting spot and I see nobody. I have no phone, so it's quite impossible to get hold of someone by this mean. I walk to Joonas house and ring his bell. No answer. I walk to Yeray's house and ring his bell. No answer. I walk to Ana's house, ring her bell. No answer. I walked by Aldo's window, the curtains are closed. He's sleeping. Aghhh! Fine, I will come home and be in a bad mood for a while...

As soon as I get in, the sky starts crying before I do. I lay down on my bed, feel the tears accumulated from the stress of this past week trying hard to come out, but they don't. It starts raining harder. I seat on my desk and watch the thunderstorm. It's beautiful... I start writing the poem you just read... it's flowing with the rain... it's as blurry as my window... I end it with the following:

"The rain is coming down fiercely,
but it suits my mood.
Be the sunshine that comes after,
please be there when this rain stops.

And then I think... Do I really need someone to be my sunshine? If I can't find my own sunshine how is anyone supposed to find it and be it for me? What am I really asking for? Suddenly the rain felt good... and now that I have written my thoughts, let them out and transformed them into a poem... now that the tears have come out in word-form and not in tears, I feel a bit better... There may not be sunshine, but I swear to God it just stopped raining...

And the most incredible things of all is that every single time I feel like this, I'm going on a trip right on the following day... Tomorrow: Paris!