Back to the roots

Once again...
What's going on with my imagination?
Why am I hallucinating once again?
Why do I seem to get lost in my own fantasies?
Why do I interpret and idealize these kind of situations?
Why do I always fall in love with "the idea"?
Is it possible to stop thinking?
How do I find my center once again?
It happened so many times before, it's happening now again.
Do I not know how to read people?
Why is my ego so blown out of proportion?
Where did I leave the humbleness?
How do I go back to my roots?
How to get back to the wind, to the dust?
How do I stop seeing through these same old lenses?
How to find once again the purity?
All is perspective...
All is relative...
What is real?
Calm down woman,
calm down...
Let things be,
without analyzing each passing moment...
Let yourself be carried by the wind.
Be the particle that floats in the air,
be the water that flows.
Stop putting so many obstacles.
This is your life...
This is your reality...
Close your eyes and live free.
But don't be blinded by your own foolishness.
Find the way to return to innocence...

Hunged...?

Today's Tarot card:

The Hanged Man

This card denotes the need to look at your current situation from a different perspective. The Hanged Man creates change by acting passively and accepting fate. By surrendering control and making yourself vulnerable, you will facilitate change in your life. In order to see the bigger picture, you will need to take a step back.

Not that I check my cards often, but this one... well... this one came out today and seems to fit perfectly with my current situation. Besides, this blog shouldn't be always so "serious", right?

Awesome dinner tonight, by the way. Almost a month ago, I remember my first night out. We went to a bar that looked like cheese and a little German kid was "hitting on me". My two friends were sitting there, so I passed each of them a ring and with my little knowlegde of German I said to the guy: "Ich habe zwei Mannen"... I think I need to find a third ring... warum jetz, ich habe drei Mannen!!

Guys, I fucking adore you!! Yes, you know who you are :)

Always play the TRUTH

Last week I attended my first acting class in Germany. Even when it was just a beginners class and I might have known most of the exercises and their purpose, it was still fascinating to be a part of it. It's not only fun. If you allow it, acting will teach you a lot about life. It makes perfect sense; the job of the actor is to portray it...

To be an actor you have to be generous and give yourself. You have to listen, say YES, use your imagination and feel connected with everyone around you on stage. To be an actor is to be an ego-less human being. You need to be aware of your surroundings and your own skin, be in your body, forget your mind, stand strong and be vulnerable. You can't think too much, that cuts the flow. You need to let go of preconceptions.

To be a good actor you need to be in harmony with the four elements, make them a part of you. Be sensitive enough to know when to use each of the elements. But most importantly, be as connected and sensible as to know, which is the quality the chosen element needs to acquire.

Water
Flow like water.
Be transparent.
Be strong.
Be a calm sea so that others can feel calm around you.
Be like the sea during a storm, when you need to fight for your dreams.
Be like a stream of water, running down the edge of the mountain.
High, pure and always renewing itself.
Be like water.
With patience, water carves even the hardest rock...

Fire
Dance like fire.
Be full of energy.
Burn with desires and be ambitious, as long as you don't burn others with your flame.
Glow.
Be gentle blue fire.
Be passion.
Be hectic, be calm.
Fire will warm the coldest heart...

Earth
Be solid as the soil under your feet.
Allow water to soak you up and change your texture.
Be firm but soft to the touch.
Let your heart be the soil for many seeds to be planted.
Be what nourishes those seeds.
Be grounded.
Help others to find the ground.
Earth can seem harsh, but if you give it time, it will bear many fruits...

Air
Caress.
Be light.
Be gentle.
Be the hurricane, be the soft breeze.
Renew yourself.
Touch someone's face.
Let things pass you by.
Be clear. Be full of oxygen.
Transform.
Let you heart be as soft and pure as clean air...

The job of the actor is to be all of the above. Because the job of the actor is to be able to keep its essence strong, as it changes his skin to play different characters. The strongest your essence, the biggest your heart. As your heart grows, you become selfless. Being selfless means to let go of wanting. When you cease to be wanting, you learn how to give. Giving makes your essence grow strong, your heart becomes fuller. With time, you learn that you can peel off the layers of skin that seem to define you, but also obliges you to see through them. And the perception of reality is nothing but what your past experiences dictates. Reality is deformed by your preconceptions. If you peel off the layers of skin, everything becomes clearer. And you see things for what they really are... You see the truth... You play the truth...

To be a real actor, you need to always play the truth...

To be a better person, ALWAYS be truthful to others, but specially to yourself...

It is what it is. If you let go of wanting and become conscious of what you need, you start wanting what you need. And that... that is the key to happiness...

If you don't see it, you can't choose to ignore it

Today I got my typical "Sunday Blues". Thankfully, there's always someone out there that will share a moment with me and make me forget the temporary sadness I feel on Sundays. That person, today, was Marita -very cute girl from Estonia with whom I have, recently, been sharing a lot.

At 3pm a group of Erasmus -the exchange students- went to play basketball. I wasn't feeling my best because of my Sunday Blues and my hangover, but I thought some fresh air and sports could help. I played for a bit but my long nails kept getting on the way so I invited Marita to go for a walk. I have been missing my sister a lot lately, I'm also missing Mallory and Todd. I needed to talk to someone, and Marita was the one. We talked about random things, about Love, about life, relationships... Finally, she made me came back to reality.

Inside my mind...
The past few days have been odd. I have been feeling like I'm in High School again. There's a lot of drama and gossip going on and even when you don't fall in the same category of many of the people here (or share the same wavelength, might be a better way to put it), it get's hard to ignore what's happening around you. Specially when you are constantly making the effort to be yourself with every single person, no matter how hostile they might act. Why is it that women are so competitive? So "catty", if that is even a word. No wonder I'm always hanging out with boys. I'm not going to get into details because I don't think is worth it, but let's say that the necessity some girls have to "compete" with me, has been bothering me in the last couple of days quite A LOT. It's frustrating because, honestly, I just want to meet people, share moments, laugh, have fun. But there is this vibe going around... some are marking territory and I don't quite get it. Come on people, relax! Life has better things than to be competing for a spot in the social realm...

I have come to understand life in a broader sense and in days like today, or when I get melancholy drunk, it bothers me that people act so shallow. But I can't really blame them for being blind to the essence of life. You can't really make choices when you see no other options. Only you can choose to ignore something when you become aware of it. So, if I'm aware, it's my responsibility to ignore others "ignorance" and let it go. It's also my responsibility to help others open their eyes. I can't force them, but I can try. What's the point of all the knowledge if you think it's too hard to share it, teach it and learn it all over again?

I guess this dough needs a lot of water... I know also that I'm thinking too much of unimportant things. It's the typical effect of the Sunday Blues, always finding a good reason to think too much of what seems irrelevant. Maybe it is just the unconscious need of drama -a need I don't seem to be able to get rid of, yet. But again, the thin line between ego and generosity. What is what? And how to give without falling into egotistic thinking?

What's important is that even when this Sunday was a cloudy one, I got a glimpse of sunshine by the end of the day...

I can't ask for more

Another day. Another fabulous day... It seems to me that each day keeps getting better and better.

Today I was late for my class, as I set my alarm clock for 8PM instead of AM. Luckily, my biological clock still works quite properly and sensing the lateness, I jumped out of bed, showered and ran to school to attend my first Studioproduktion class.

At first, I was intimidated by all the people in the classroom. How and who to approach? But the "fear" was quickly overcame by a sense of trust. I have seen myself here before... it feels right. I sat on a corner and observed the classroom. On one side, computers -10 or so. Six students were leaning over one monitor and discussing something in German. In the middle of the room, another group of students were talking on a couch. To my left, a bar. YES, a bar. It had an espresso machine and everything! Lots of colorful posters on the wall, people dispersed around the room, big windows and lots of chatting.

Prof. Shaugg -my contact from HDM- approached me, smiling as usual, and introduced me to the group that's interested in Stop Motion Animation. After the formal introduction, he offered me to have a seat and I instantly became part of the discussion: ideas and concepts. Everyone, except one girl, were eager to develop a Science Fiction animation (AWESOME!!!!) I also shared an idea I have and coincidentially enough -if there is such a thing as coincidential- the guy doing all the talking smiles and reads to me the SAME idea from his notes. I'm getting excited, we are flowing in the same wavelenght. This is gonna be cool! And the one girl, from whom I sense rejection... well, it's just a matter of working the dough till it becomes softer. Don't resist, be like water. Flow and let flow. With patience, everything is softened by water, sooner or later...

And speaking of dough, last night I made empanadas with Joris -a very cool guy I met here. There was probably more flour on the floor and in our bodies than in the dough, but it was so much fun. The final product might have been not the "best empanadas" but the process of making them was awesome. Again, it's all about the process, the journey, the moment. The final product is more of a residue, what's left after all the hard work. If what you do is only a means to an end, then you are missing the most exciting part of it all. It's not where you get to, but how.

I'm thankful for each day, for each person that crosses my path. I'm thankful for change, for new experiences. I welcome opportunities and I create them where there seems to be none. I have learnt to listen and to smile; to forgive and to forget. I have discovered what joy really feels like and I can't ask for more, even when more might never seem enough or too much. I have learned to not fear and be free. I now know what LOVE looks, feels, sounds and breathes like. I know now what LOVE is... Don't ask for it. Give it and it will come. Feel it and it will fill you. Don't wait for it, because love is timeless. BE LOVE and you will BE FINE!

I trully, trully LOVE this place!

Today I realized that I need to write a bit, at least, every other day. I have been working on the same post for over 10 days now, writing sporadically and of course it never gets published because I never catch up with the present moment -what a weird concept, eh? "CATCH UP WITH THE PRESENT" Is that even possible? So far I'm mostly living in the now, which feels amazing. I think it's directly related to the fact that I'm surrounded by nature, and even on my way to school, is impossible to ignore the trees, the birds chirping, the freshness in the air... These elements all keep me focus in the present. Once in a while, I drift away thinking either about boys or what would I need to do to actually stay here. And honestly I get quite irriteated when I think so much. But let's leave the fiction aside for now.

This afternoon I went for a run in the forest. There is a very particular feeling of freedom I feel every time I step in the woods. I feel alive and whole. I feel in harmony with the Universe and the peace within me arises and feels full. At a given point in time, I abandoned the man made trail and wondered around in between the trees. Breathe. Live. Life. Freedom. Wisdom. Courage. Peace. Breathe peace. Exhale light. No one else around, just me and nature. I touched a tree and looked up. Three woodpeckers where dancing with the wind, playfully. I looked at them play like children and I felt like a kid myself. No worries, no stress, no attachments... just a silent observer and the happiness of Being.

When my mind started to get lost in thoughts, I understood my journey for the moment had come to an end. I found my way back to the trail and got mad at myself for thinking too much about insignificant things. I forgave myself, for thinking too much and for being mad at myself and focused once again in my surroundings. This time I looked down to the trail. As I walked the path, I encounter many obstacles. Stones... water... mud... But in the same way we do in life, I kept walking. I might have gotten my socks wet or my shoes muddy, but I kept walking; always looking at the trail. As I did, slowly the yellow clay began to change its color. The big stones became smaller and step by step, the trail was clear of obstacles. I could now run again. By the time I got home, I realized how fun it had been to actually get to trip over big rocks, get my feet wet and my runners dirty as hell... In life, I feel the same way...

Ich lebe in Stuttgart (originally, my 1st post)

*I started writing this post on March 2nd. It still hasn't seen the light. I decided it was now time to publish it, even though it's old and is not finisihed.* (26.03.09)

So, here I AM.

Hier... yes. That is German for "here". So far I have taken 3 classes and I can already understand quite a bit. I guess that learning a 4th language is easier than what I imagined it would be. Maybe it's the necessity, maybe the eagerness to sprechen Deutsch, maybe my brain has expanded... whatever the reason might be, I'm learning a lot and I'm loving it!!!

So, let me summarize what has happened so far...
I arrived in Stuttgart on the 26th of February, didn't sleep at all on the plane and with the 6 hours difference between here and Toronto, I was quite a mess. I got picked up at the airport by a really cool German girl called Nina, who speaks perfect Spanish. She lived in Spain for a year so she has the sexy accent which makes her even cuter. We clicked instantly and it feels like I have known her forever.

We took the subway to the University campus, where I now live, and went straight to my room. It was quite exciting to finally get to see my new home for the next 6 months. My building houses 30 people and there are 12 students per floor. Each floor share a kitchen, bathroom and showers. My kitchen, compared to the ones I've seen, is disgustingly dirty. There have been dirty dishes since I got here and they seem to reproduce with each passing day... BUT, it will be a matter to getting used to it, of course. It's always a matter of adjusting and adapting...

After leaving my suitcases in my room, Nina and I went to the school so that I could see around. Fuck!! it's awesome! I'm here, I made it happen... Life is all about dreaming and taking the necessary steps to make those dreams come true. I did it, I'm here! I do not find the proper words, at this moment, to express EXACTLY what it is that I felt when I entered HDM or when I arrived to Stuttgart, or when I had lunch that same day with Jorge and Milan in the University cafeteria... Amazing is all I can say right now. Maybe I'll come back to it when I'm feeling more poetically inspired.

After lunch with Nina and the lovely gentlemen from Ryerson, I came back to my room, unpacked my stuff -still no sleep- and around 5pm left again. I found my way around campus -I truly admire my sense of orientation and how quick I actually find where I am and how to get where I want to go; I hopped on the subway and took myself to the airport, got on a plane and landed in Amsterdam. What a fucking fantastic city!!!

AMSTERDAM

I arrived at Schiphol Airport around 8:30pm and got picked up by a lovely lady called Magali -my far away cousin. We drove to her parent's house, I met my family, had a strange but interesting dinner, talked a bit, mumbled a lot and I finally got in bed at 1am. I slept till 3 in the afternoon and then went for a walk with Magali. At 8pm, unexpectedly, the doorbell rings: Nahuel! YEAH, the sole reason why I went to Amsterdam without even fully arriving in Stuttgart. Oh so cool!! He, coming from Argentina. Me, coming from Canada. Us, meeting in the city of the coffee shops that don't sell coffee. The city of windows that sell beautiful women and infinite munching options. But Nahuel, didn't come alone. He actually brought along a girl called Paula, the cutest little thing... That night we were all too tired, so we decided to crash a neighbor's party -that wasn't much of a party- and then went to have a beer at the nearest pub. The following day was MASTERDAM day...

After getting up, having some mates and bread with cheese, we left the apartment and walked all the way to the city center. We made several stops -very necessary and spontaneous stops- and continued to get mesmerized by the beauty, the craziness, the HOT Europeans, the coffee shops and the many Argentinian restaurants we found on the way -we actually all got invited a round of drinks by the owner of one them. We then continued our walk, took many many pictures, visited the famous Bulldog coffee shop and when we started to encounter one sex shop after the other, we knew we had arrived... The famous Red District... Uff... if I was a man...

The whole day was splendid and the night got even better. After fantasizing with the pretty girls behind the glass doors, we went back to the apartment to have some dinner and get ready to go party. Nahuel cooked some lovely pasta and we all ate together on the floor, as the cook would say, "as a family". Then every one crashed. If it wasn't because of Stacey -Magali's friend- coming over drunk, we probably would have missed the night. But she came and took us out. Bless you Stacey! However, Paula didn't feel like going out and I wasn't going to try to convince her. So it was the rest of us who jumped on a cab, with a beer in one hand and a need for more Amsterdam in the other, and got dropped off at some sort of night district. It consisted of a central plaza and bars all around and in the adjacent streets. Lots of people coming and going, many of drunken teens, some fast food restaurants and dozens of inviting neon lights signs.

We first went to a bar that was pretty odd. Nahuel and I looked at each other in atonishment. "Really? No, I don't like it here" So we stayed for 5 minutes and walked out the door. It was terrible. But it's a natural law to always end where you start, so naturally, we ended up going back later on; except that after a couple of beers and more, it turned out to be quite a fun place.