June 13 @ Sharm El Sheikh
Okey, I have not yet finished writing my last entry but I have to write about last night...
June 15 @ the airport - back to Stutti
As you can see from the last two entries, I never actually sat down to write. The truth is that I couldn't, and still can't, find the proper words to describe my time here. I'm now at the airport waiting for the boarding call back to Stuttgart and I'm still processing everything lived in the past six days. How to describe the generosity and respect I have been offered by all of Meda's friends? I'm on a state of trance... of ecstasy... split between Heaven and Earth. I'm fascinated by the beauty of these guys and the magic of this place. I'm being objective here. I intend to write facts, not feelings, cause if I were to even try to transcribe my feelings into words, I would probably end up with an incomprehensible display of disarranged letters. My heart is beating fast and I'm split between trying to control these heavy emotions and spilling my heart out into tears, to cry this harsh farewell Egypt...
At this very moment I realize that I can chose to think two ways. For one, I could melt away in deep emotions, feeling all the love I received from these amazing people. I feel that I could cry forever, as once again I met someone with whom, in no time, I shared everything that can be shared with another person. Someone with whom I connected deeply from the second we met. This someone loved me silently and held my hand on the back seat of the car, when no one was watching, before we even shared a kiss. Someone who was willing to take his mask off to kiss me passionately, 10m underwater... my first one. He took care of me when I got sick like only my grandmother does, by putting compresses on my forehead and holding my hand... till I fell asleep. This someone gave me his soul with each kiss and opened his heart to me from the moment he said to me his first "hello".
And here is where I'm disjointed... I could go on and on describing how amazing this guy was to me and to his friends. I could write for hours defining each gesture, each given smile, each act of generosity or beautiful madness... but by doing this, I can feel my heart beating faster with sadness. And because I have experienced this in the past, once in Cuba and once in the Yukon, I know how terribly wrong it feels to say goodbye, how heart-breaking a farewell between two lovers can be... But because I know, I can try to consciously choose not to feel the heartache, cause I've learnt to be lighter... I CAN TRY... to treasure inside my heart the moments lived together, letting go of the "feeling"; cause the feeling becomes heavier and heavier the more one thinks about it.
To be completely honest with myself, part of me wants to dwell in the feeling. The old habit is kicking in... I feel like a recovered addict being tempted by the same poisonous but beautiful drug that made him so high and so miserable in the past. I think that being "depressed" or "unhappy" gives most people -me including- some sort of incomprehensible high; the lowest of the highs... This is why we get so hooked up to the heavy feelings. If you think carefully, you'd realize that being "happy" or feeling fulfilled, is not that difficult. Actually, I believe it can be easily achieved. And if you consider the possibilities, you can't help but wonder why most of us always seem to be so negative... so heavy... so attached to moments, people, possessions, relationships... when the truth is that these things are nothing but ephemeral, temporary, transitory. Hey people, think about it and save yourself the heartache...
But you might wonder... will I miss him? YES, I will... of course. Will he miss me? I'm pretty sure he will. But HOW we miss each other is what will make all the difference. I'm smiling... "My heart is smiling, Agata" he said. That's all, that's what matters. Not that it might be over. Not the expectations of seeing each other again. Not how terribly cruel it is to have to say good-bye under the circumstances that we did. All that matters is that we existed. That we were one for a while. We enjoyed every single moment spent together. We rejoiced in each other as if there was no tomorrow -cause there really wasn't. And the truth is that we will love each other openly and fearlessly for as long as we can. If the love is eventually gone, we will always have the memories... THIS IS ALL THAT MATTERS...
So why be sad? Really... sad about what? what for? I do feel the tears and the pain surfacing, but it doesn't appeal to me... I've recovered from a long term addiction and it feels beautiful. I'm free! I feel free and more ALIVE than ever!! I honestly can choose to not feel miserable. Instead, I choose to be happy that it happened... I'm thankful to have lived the time of my life, surrounded by warmth-hearted people, who showed me nothing but generosity, endless affection and an amazing sense of humour...
The plane is about to take off now... I'm leaving this magnificent place and a bit of my heart is staying here... I might have to come back soon and pick it up... For now, Shokran!! Egypt... See you soon...
At this very moment I realize that I can chose to think two ways. For one, I could melt away in deep emotions, feeling all the love I received from these amazing people. I feel that I could cry forever, as once again I met someone with whom, in no time, I shared everything that can be shared with another person. Someone with whom I connected deeply from the second we met. This someone loved me silently and held my hand on the back seat of the car, when no one was watching, before we even shared a kiss. Someone who was willing to take his mask off to kiss me passionately, 10m underwater... my first one. He took care of me when I got sick like only my grandmother does, by putting compresses on my forehead and holding my hand... till I fell asleep. This someone gave me his soul with each kiss and opened his heart to me from the moment he said to me his first "hello".
And here is where I'm disjointed... I could go on and on describing how amazing this guy was to me and to his friends. I could write for hours defining each gesture, each given smile, each act of generosity or beautiful madness... but by doing this, I can feel my heart beating faster with sadness. And because I have experienced this in the past, once in Cuba and once in the Yukon, I know how terribly wrong it feels to say goodbye, how heart-breaking a farewell between two lovers can be... But because I know, I can try to consciously choose not to feel the heartache, cause I've learnt to be lighter... I CAN TRY... to treasure inside my heart the moments lived together, letting go of the "feeling"; cause the feeling becomes heavier and heavier the more one thinks about it.
To be completely honest with myself, part of me wants to dwell in the feeling. The old habit is kicking in... I feel like a recovered addict being tempted by the same poisonous but beautiful drug that made him so high and so miserable in the past. I think that being "depressed" or "unhappy" gives most people -me including- some sort of incomprehensible high; the lowest of the highs... This is why we get so hooked up to the heavy feelings. If you think carefully, you'd realize that being "happy" or feeling fulfilled, is not that difficult. Actually, I believe it can be easily achieved. And if you consider the possibilities, you can't help but wonder why most of us always seem to be so negative... so heavy... so attached to moments, people, possessions, relationships... when the truth is that these things are nothing but ephemeral, temporary, transitory. Hey people, think about it and save yourself the heartache...
But you might wonder... will I miss him? YES, I will... of course. Will he miss me? I'm pretty sure he will. But HOW we miss each other is what will make all the difference. I'm smiling... "My heart is smiling, Agata" he said. That's all, that's what matters. Not that it might be over. Not the expectations of seeing each other again. Not how terribly cruel it is to have to say good-bye under the circumstances that we did. All that matters is that we existed. That we were one for a while. We enjoyed every single moment spent together. We rejoiced in each other as if there was no tomorrow -cause there really wasn't. And the truth is that we will love each other openly and fearlessly for as long as we can. If the love is eventually gone, we will always have the memories... THIS IS ALL THAT MATTERS...
So why be sad? Really... sad about what? what for? I do feel the tears and the pain surfacing, but it doesn't appeal to me... I've recovered from a long term addiction and it feels beautiful. I'm free! I feel free and more ALIVE than ever!! I honestly can choose to not feel miserable. Instead, I choose to be happy that it happened... I'm thankful to have lived the time of my life, surrounded by warmth-hearted people, who showed me nothing but generosity, endless affection and an amazing sense of humour...
The plane is about to take off now... I'm leaving this magnificent place and a bit of my heart is staying here... I might have to come back soon and pick it up... For now, Shokran!! Egypt... See you soon...
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