June 17, 2009

To fulfill my dream...

June 10 @ the airport on my way to Cairo

"The fastest way to find yourself is to STAND STILL"

Five minutes. That's all it took for me to get off the subway, find the Air Swiss desk, check in and drop off the luggage and go through security. Five minutes. I love Stutti's airport. It's so efficient! Really... five minutes. Fascinating. But anyhow... I'm about to board a plane to Egypt, to fulfill one of my biggest dreams. It's hard to believe that it's actually happening... And this trip seems to, once again, come at a perfect time, as I have been quite melancholic in the past few days, specially after returning from Rock am Ring. I've been thinking too much about the passing of time and I got scared, petrified of how quickly moments come and go and life passes you by while blinking. I had quite a long chat with my friend Aldo, when we got back from RAR. I was feeling quite heavy on my chest just thinking it felt like yesterday when I was buying the tickets for the festival... and now it had already passed. I felt the huge weight of emptiness and it's the fear you feel after jumping to the abyss: you've already made the decision to jump, there's no turning back. You feel free but scared at the same time. You are trapped in your own weight, trapped inside your body.

As I continue to peel layers of skin off, I slowly learn what it means to not want, to surrender to the circumstances and most importantly, to look at the chain of events rather than to stress to much on an event itself. I'm learning that one of the reasons why we tend to be so unhappy is because we get stuck in a particular situation or moment. If it was a "good" thing, we are happy to re-live the moment in our head, over and over again. If it was a "bad" situation, we analyze it and over analyze as if by doing so, we would be able to change the facts. Instead, I think, we should look at what that particular moment or event has unfolded into. An example of this is what happened at the festival. After my wallet was stolen, I had a little... let's call it "misunderstanding" with Aldo. I was angry first, but then it turned into a bit of... mhmmm.. pain. I was hurt, honestly. How could it be? After all we share... we are like an old married couple. And after what happened, he was a stranger to me, for some frightening 10 hours or so. But, I will not write too much about how I felt because it's pointless. I choose to MOVE ON further into the story, to prove my point. Anyhow, when we talked yesterday he said he regretted what happened and he would do different if he had the chance. I said "don't regret anything, just look at all that has came out of this, both for you and me. Look at the entire chain reaction, look at the bright side. Things are neither good or bad, they just are. It is only when we categorize them as such that we get so confused, so uneasy with life. And it certainly doesn't need to be that way."

Moco, I hope you know how much I love you. You are one of the greatest things that happened to me in this Erasmus experience. I'm grateful to have you so close, even when sometimes I want to kill you -and it's probably reciprocal- you know that a piece of my heart will be forever yours. Just keep in mind that you will be sharing it with some other people. I hope you don't mind...

My relationship with Aldo is an example of what it means to love without wanting. For the longest time, I wanted something else. I wasn't quite sure what it was, but I wanted different than what I had. Interesting... didn't know what, just something OTHER than what I had. Even when our relationship seems to sometimes not make sense at all, I accept things as they are and this sets me free. But freedom, at this very moment, is becoming something I'm scared of. It feels like I've gone up a million steps and now I'm looking down and feeling vertigo... and the sensation is crawling up my stomach like a poisonous spider. I have climbed a huge mountain. I'm still climbing and I know I have a long way up to the top -if I ever reach it during this lifetime. I know this is just a phase. Fear has taken over and I can't help but look down and be scared. What happens when you stop wanting? What propels you forward?

Once I've opened my eyes, I can't chose to close them. Once I've seen the mountain, I can't stop my legs from climbing. Once I've taken off, I can't jump off the plane... and at this very moment, I'm taking off... PERFECT TIMING... as always. Cairo, here I come!!

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